My world shattered when at 39 weeks pregnant, I heard those words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”. I was absolutely shocked and couldn’t understand how this could happen so unexpectedly and just days before his due date, especially when I did everything by the book to keep him safe. I remember not crying at first because it seemed pointless. No amount of tears or screams could bring my baby back.

I delivered Niko the next day. I was in awe of how beautiful he was, so peaceful and simply asleep. We held him for several hours and said our goodbyes. We planned his cremation and funeral. I didn’t want flowers or condolences. They wouldn’t bring him back. They would only be a painful reminder of his death. We asked friends and family to do an act of love for someone.

2.5 years later and I hold onto his memory so tightly even though it is painful. The pain is not as sharp as it was in those early days, and is oddly comforting, because it is an expression of my love for him.

I see him in the sunsets. His beauty cascades over the ocean and paints the sky, even after the sun has set. Nothing can bring my Niko back, but the sunsets keep his spirit alive.

I attended a RTZ Hope retreat 3 months after my loss. I was scared and suffering from severe anxiety and ptsd. The retreat helped me to find beauty and hope amidst the devastation. The connection with the other loss moms changed me from feeling isolated to part of a beautiful community. The coordinators connected me with mental health professionals specializing in reproductive trauma. I am forever grateful to this organization.