We lost Leighton two years ago and I miss her just as much, if not more, now. In some ways, the first year was easier. You’re in such survival mode. And it’s almost like the grief and the anxiety and the sadness are “allowed”. Like it’s allowed to take over your whole life. And you think maybe it will get easier. The more time passes, the more you realize how permanent losing them is. It sounds silly to say but I have moments where I think “Oh my god. She’s really not coming back”. And I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without her. It feels impossible. But we do our best to make her part of our lives every day. We talk about her, we say good morning and good night to her, we have pictures up alongside our other children. She’s as much our child as our other children are, but we have to love her so differently.
We welcomed another baby girl this past December. She brings us so much joy and laughter. We feel blessed to have been given another daughter. Especially with two boys at home. We love her more than words. She is silly and smart and sweet and I love getting to be a girl Mom. But having her here doesn’t ease the pain of not having her sister. And I think that’s hard to explain to people who haven’t lived this life. Each baby has their own piece of your heart. And you don’t get it back when you don’t get to take them home.
Losing Leighton has taught us so much and I am so grateful for that part of loss. Our empathy and understanding for others has grown ten fold. We know time is short and it’s not a given. We know more than ever what’s important to us. What matters. What’s a big deal and what’s not. Our appreciation for all of the good things is what keeps us going. Leighton has given us more than we ever got to give her but we’ll spend our lives making sure our world never forgets her.
RTZ helps me by reading your posts and knowing there are others out there thinking about our babies.
