We lost our first 3 babies in a span of 3.5 years. Our first was a chemical pregnancy, which is a term I have trouble using but it is what the doctors called it. It was quick, and if I had not tested I probably wouldn't have known we were even pregnant. Shortly after, we got pregnant again and had our second loss at 12 weeks pregnant. I tried to pass the baby naturally, but a week later nothing was happening so I opted for a D&C and got the baby genetically tested. Baby B had Trisomy 18 and at that appointment were we found out we lost baby, we would have done the bloodwork to test for that and would of had to make the decision ourselves to keep or terminate due to the outcome of a baby with Trisomy 18. This loss hit hard, it took us a while to process because we had seen baby on an early ultrasound and everything looked great. Then, one day, it just wasn't.
Navigating life after this loss was difficult, as we weren't sure when we would be ready to ttc again. It took 3 years for us to start, and got pregnant a few cycles later. The fear instantly kicked in and I advocated for HCG draws, and luckily I did. My numbers were going up, but were not doubling and an ultrasound confirmed there was an "unknown" object in my fallopian tube - meaning the pregnancy was Ectopic. Fear rose quickly as I was learning how quickly my tube could rupture, I got 2 rounds of Methotrexate as the first one failed and my HCG skyrocketed. Bloodwork 2-3 times a week to be monitored was tiring. After 3 months, my numbers were below 5 and I was no longer pregnant. It felt so backwards to be begging for my numbers to drop. I felt like I was in a time warp if I am being honest, those 3 months feel like a blur.
I was referred to an REI specialist, and went through massive fertility testing. I was diagnosed with Endometritis from an Endo Biopsy, which in an infection the uterine lining. (not to be mistake for Endometriosis). The doctor told me they could not "confirm but was highly likely caused from" the D&C I had from our 2nd loss. This was devastating. Had someone told me that this is a common occurrence and put me on antibiotics when I had the procedure, things would have maybe looked different for us.
3 losses took a toll on my mental health, really unsure if I wanted to keep going on this journey but knew in my heart I was destined to be a mama to an earth side baby(or babies). We continued to find ways to reconnect and honor our 3 angels. We like to celebrate their "birthday" as their due dates; we light candles, get cupcakes to eat, get balloons and sometimes go to the Butterfly Museum to feel connected to our babies.
1 year after our ectopic loss, we decided to start trying again. 6 months later, we got a positive. We are now 5.5 months pregnant with our rainbow baby boy. The journey of pregnancy after loss has been both challenging and healing. Learning to trust my body again was a rollercoaster; every day we get closer to meeting him, I am learning to put my trust and faith into myself and my pregnancy.
Not only am I a loss mom, I am also a Perinatal Mental Health Therapist. After my ectopic loss, I realized there was a lack of true perinatal support in my area and knew I had the ability to make a change for us. I see mainly women, but also dads and couples who have struggled, are struggling currently or are planning to start a family soon. It has been rewarding to bring my education to this population, and when I say "I understand" I truly mean it. Awareness has also been a pivotal part of my journey, sharing my own story on social media to help other parents feel less alone and providing a safe space for others to share with me.
I have attending groups and learning from the side of a loss parent. Meeting others in those has been a helpful tool, and a reminder of what I need to be doing to continue to heal.
I have also attending trainings with RTZ to further my knowledge and bring that back to my clients.
