I always pray to God to let me at least one child. One healthy living child to love with is more than enough for me. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS in January 2017. I thought my prayers were never heard, but I was wrong. On the morning of May 10th 2024, the miracle I was praying for was finally answered. I was finally greeted with a positive pregnancy test after having hundreds of negatives for 3 years.
Nick and I were trying for nearly 3 years until I got tired. I had to go back and forth to the hospital to meet my OBGyn to help me with my PCOS as well as for my fertility checks. It came to a point that I got tired of keeping tracks and testing non stop every month only to have negative results in front of me. So, I decided we take it slow and not to force things anymore. He was optimistic that the baby will be given to us when the time is right.
We didn’t actively try after that but we also didn’t stop trying at all. So when we learned we were pregnant naturally, we were extremely grateful and happy.
Everything was fine during my pregnancy. Baby was healthy and very active on all our ultrasound appointments. We were lucky to see our baby at 5w6d with a heartbeat already! Then each appointments ended with good news and that baby’s development was incredibly good. Our baby didn’t give me much hard time carrying her as I barely get back aches and leg cramps, but my tummy was big and she’s heavy. I learned how to monitor her heartbeat using a home doppler that I purchased. I know it might give you a wrong impression that your baby’s fine if you don’t know what you should be looking for. So I learned how to distinguish the sound of her heartbeat, my own and her placenta. It gave me a sense of relief every time I listened to her heartbeat knowing she was fine. I had anterior placenta which I also expected as I didn’t feel her movements that much when I reached 20weeks, so listening to her heartbeat is one of my ways to check on her whenever I don’t feel her move.
During our last scan at 21 weeks, the sonologist wasn’t able to fully determine her gender but was only 80% sure that the baby was a girl. However, despite not confirming her gender that day, we’re happy that she was growing perfectly fine. This is why never in my wildest dream would I ever think something bad would happen to us just after a week.
Friday afternoon on September 20th, I felt uncomfortable cramps but was not painful. I shrugged that off since it was normal for me to feel it due to the baby growing and my belly is getting bigger. I went back to sleep right after and when we had dinner, the uncomfortable feeling slightly went away. I felt an intense pain the early morning the next day. It was like menstrual cramps but was a bit intense and there was pain on my back as well. I timed it and it was alarming as the time between them became shorter. Nick suggested we should go to the hospital as he could see me in pain. As a person who has high pain tolerance, he knew it was really painful for me. I peed again and this time I was worried to see a brown jelly-like discharge so we hurriedly headed to the ER.
Even though I was in pain, I was confident that our baby was fine as I looked for her heartbeat before the pain got worse and I heard it. I thought we were only going to be checked and would be given medication for whatever pain I was feeling but I was wrong. After an internal examination at the hospital, I was told that my cervix was already fully dilated and fully effaced. She explained to me and Nick that it was too late for a surgery to keep my cervix close as it was already fully opened and that my waters was already bulging. Even though I was in so much physical pain, I felt like I was stabbed right through the heart when she announced that our baby was ready to be delivered and there was no way they could stop it. This also means that she would be born extremely premature as she didn’t even reach the viability stage of 24 weeks. I knew what would happen once our baby was out of me even without the doctor explaining because my cautious self already learned about premature births and the outcomes. I just never imagined that I would be experiencing this let alone having a micro preemie at only 22weeks.
At 8:10am September 21st, 2024 our dearest baby girl was born via Normal Vaginal delivery. She was already head down so there’s no need for a c-section. Her birth was a roller coaster of emotion for me as I was happy with the thought of finally seeing her face and holding her but also comes with the fact that we would lose her right after birth or even few hours after. When her pediatrician asked me what her name would be, I smiled at him and said her name is Hanna Isabelle.
Our dearest Hanna Isabelle only lived for less than 2 hours after she was born as her lungs are not fully developed yet for her to thrive on her own. During labor when they finished with my epidural, they asked me what should be done to our baby once born. My mom and Nick opted comfort care but they still asked me as they said it was my call that really matters to them. At first, I thought of doing everything for my baby to survive but then I also imagined her little fragile body being hooked up to different machines and fighting really hard for her life. That image breaks my heart more. As much as I would love my baby with me, I couldn’t do that to her. I love her so much to let her suffer. So with a heavy heart, I told them that I will agree with the comfort care for our baby. So when she was born, they didn’t hook her up to machines anymore and they let me have time with her while she was still alive.
Nick also had time with her and my heart couldn’t take it anymore when I saw him hold her for the first time while in tears. We were both looking forward to the day we hold our baby but we both never imagine it would be this way. I had more time with our baby and while my heart was breaking, I was still happy to have her in my arms. We took photos with her and I had the time to memorized each and every parts of her as I knew I would never see her again after that.
At 9:40am, we were told that they could no longer detect any heartbeat and they confirmed that our daughter had passed away. They handed her back to me and this time I talked to her, sung her a song and told her everything I wanted to say. I made sure that I kissed her head and told her that I love her so much.
Everything happened so fast that my brain couldn’t process it all at the same time. When I saw our daughter, I was happy but when I saw them preparing her for morgue it hit me. I felt a sharp pain in my chest seeing our daughter being wheeled away by the nurses as I know the next time I’d see her was not the same way as the last time I saw her.
Losing her was like losing a big part of me. I feel like I’m living half dead. I had so many plans for us, for her but when she died, it was gone. I was trying my very best to not let this get the best of me but sometimes it’s too much. Carrying our daughter brought joy but losing her took all those colors away. It’s like I’m living because I have to, but not because I want to. I still feel the guilt sometimes. The guilt in me that says I shouldn’t have just given up on her easily. That what if I decided to not just give her comfort care and to risk putting her in NICU to be hooked up to those machines, she would still probably be alive. I keep on telling myself that what I did was just purely out of love. That I only did that because I never wanted her to suffer just because of my selfish reason to keep her with me. I know some parents would choose to do everything to keep their babies alive and to try everything and that’s not even selfish. Sometimes we decide what’s best for us or for our situation during that tough time and I only chose what’s best for her, not what’s best for me.
During my post natal appointment, I was told that what happened to me was due to incompetent cervix. My OB explained that it happened when the cervix gets shorter and thinner as baby grows that it can’t hold the baby anymore so it opens. So the plan is for me to have cerclage at second trimester once I get pregnant again to avoid this from happening once more. We were both sad that my cervix opened so fast and the pain only showed up when it was too late for them to do anything to prevent our baby from coming out.
It’s not even a month yet since our baby died so the pain is still pretty much fresh and there’s no moving on with this but only moving forward. Even though Hanna Isabelle’s gone from our sight, she’s always in our hearts. I will always carry her heart in mine. I promise myself that I will honor my daughter in every possible ways I can and to not let her memories fade as a way to show my endless love for her. I put up a memory corner for her with all customized stuff on her name including an owl music toy that I used to play for her when she was still in my tummy. She used to kick around with that toy when being played. I will make sure to visit her every 21st of the month and to celebrate her birthdays every year. She will still be included in all our family’s celebration. And if we’re given another baby, my love for her will not dwindle upon the arrival of her sibling. I love her just as much and she will never be replaced.
I’m also glad I found a community where we share the stories of our angel babies and we are able to talk about all of our experiences of loss without facing any judgements or unwanted advices. I wanted to share our daughter’s story to let other grieving parents out there that they’re not alone. That it’s completely fine to talk about their babies and say their names.
