James, our first baby, born into the world silently, at 6 am on April 1 2022. A few days prior, I felt his last movements, unbeknownst to me that death was even a possibility . I was told to drink juice and come in a few days later for a scan, advice that is outdated and dangerous. Again, the thought of his demise never crossed my mind. Looking at the screen I knew immediately he was gone, I looked up at the ceiling silently telling myself to be ready to hear that there was no heartbeat. I was right. 24 hours later I was in the delivery room holding my son and preparing to hand him over for the last time. The months after were a spiral down to someplace I have never set foot before. A post partum experience with no baby to mother. We left our jobs, left our home, moved in with my parents across the country to care for me and my grieving husband.
Something needed to change but I had no idea how or what could change. I came across RTZ Hope, and found they host grief retreats. In May 2023, I made my way up to Northern California to attend this retreat. It was here that I learned how to pull myself out of this dark pit, connect with mothers who have also walked the unimaginable, and most importantly, connect with my son. The bond I have made with the mothers in RTZ are some of my most precious relationships I hold. In these past two years I have experienced multiple miscarriages and am now pursuing IVF. Through the heartbreak, disappointment, and pain I have learned how to hold onto hope. The RTZ community captures this essence of hope without denying the shared yet unique experience of grief and trauma related to pregnancy and infant loss. It is hope that pulls me through my losses, appointments, injections, surgeries and so on and without it I would not be able to pursue the treatments that might bring me an earth side child.
While my journey is not yet over, I have learned to face my grief head on and hold onto hope. Treating my grief as a welcomed friend, something to tend to, gently embrace, and not be afraid of. That grief will always be a part of me as long as I am living, but so will my love.
RTZ provides a multitude of resources for grieving families. Support groups and the annual retreat have helped to connect with others who understand the pain and fear that comes with pregnancy and infant loss. There are various support groups that can reach all kinds of unique experiences. No one has to go through this alone.
