“In April 2019, we were expecting our first born, a little girl. Due to unknown reasons, her heart stopped during labor and Torvi Ann was born on April 8 not breathing. The hospital staff immediately went into life-saving efforts and were able to resuscitate her after an extended period of time. She suffered severe brain damage and was transferred to the UC Davis Children's Hospital NICU unit. After three days of extensive testing and heartbreaking results, we made the decision to remove her from life support. She passed peacefully while we held her on April 11.
We are so grateful for the three days we spent with her, holding her when we could and spending time with her crib side when we couldn't. The NICU staff and support services treated us with such wonderful care and I will forever be grateful for that.
Since Torvi's death, our family has welcomed two baby boys: Grady in 2020 and Graham in 2022 and is currently expecting a third due this December. Pregnancy and parenting living children after a loss comes with many hardships, but I believe it has also given me a greater sense of awe and appreciation for life that I didn't understand or grasp before our loss. We have incorporated Torvi into our daily lives and special holidays throughout the years in different ways. It's been bittersweet as her younger brothers now sees her photo and ask about her. I love having this opportunity to help them know her better but it breaks my heart at the same time.
Knowing loss, we have always known a miscarriage was a very real possibility as we grow our family. In August of 2023, an unexpected pregnancy ended in a very early miscarriage. During the short time I was pregnant though, my heart grew again and made room for this littlest love. My due date would have been April 11 - it was one of those things that make you wonder about the curiosity of the universe and timing - anticipating a new baby on the anniversary of the death of another. Oddly enough, it was this same week (April 11) that I found out we were pregnant again with our third boy.
Five years out from my first loss and a year since my second, I can honestly say that I am at a place in my life where I experience genuine joy and appreciation for the moments life has to offer. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today had Torvi's loss not set me on this trajectory, and that's often a hard thing to think about. I quit my marketing job after my loss and saw that Return to Zero had an opening for a marketing position a few months later. I've always been passionate about helping others and knew this was a way I could give back to the loss community. I am grateful to be a part of the RTZ Team and contribute to Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness, as well as sharing hope as an ambassador during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Attending a RTZ retreat was one of the major contributing factors in helping shift my relationship with my daughter from one of grief, anger, and sadness to one of love and thankfulness. Had I not connected with others and worked on healing myself and my relationship with my daughter, I imagine I would be in a very lonely, unhealthy place right now. It was also my first real introduction to holistic health and well-being, and again, a path I'm grateful that I've found.
Without the education and resources I've learned over the years from Return to Zero, I think that my miscarriage could have also had a very different outcome on my personal well-being. The medical services I received provided zero emotional support, but Return to Zero has and will continue to give me that support and guidance. The RTZ website is always the first place I send someone whether they've had their own loss or are looking to help someone else. It's an instrumental and absolutely necessary resource for the pregnancy and infant loss community.
