I had 2 daughters 19 and 16 so though he was planned he was for sure a last child and boy was it great he was a boy. The 16 year old was over the moon and kept asking if the he (~Zen~) could hear yet.

The devastation when he died was complete and total through the entire family. For 2 years our lives were is shambles and I didn't think it would ever be ok again. The fish year was numbers. Second was shock. Everytime i looked at my life if just felt wrong. It was the third year I started to feel like me again but I was in a hole and had no clue how to get out.

Looking back now. I can't believe where I've been how far I've come and in a million years I never would have seen my life here. lol! I hate mentioning this because it's negative but it happens and sadly is happens even more in these situations. I get divorced from my son's father exactly 1year 11months from we our son died.

It was important to me that my son's life and death had meaning and purpose. I started right away trying to figure that out. I learned there wasn't a lot out there but there was yahoo groups so I joined that.. i was impressed and in awe of the group owner because she had lost her baby yet made the time to encourage others and did things to make us feel special. I wanted to do that for others as well.

The first few years on his Angelversary we would go to build a bear and make him a bear. It wasn't long before the bears were piling up and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do that forever. Christmas we always glaive to toys for tots but since losing ~Zen~ we had started to give more when it dawn on me we could donate for his Angelversary too. So around his 5th Angelversary we started going to bakeries and eating for two cakes 1 boy and 1 girl on his Angelversary. Often also donating a toy somewhere as well in his name. It always made me feel good knowing the world was just a tiny bit better because he exists.

Then in 2014 I had met a lady that had lost her son. She was a real go getter type of person and she jumped in head first. She started a non profit to help other families that lose a baby during pregnancy or infantcy. She started Facebook groups and started an online page the group did so much. They went to the hospital and help the fa.lies hand through the process. They arranged photography, helped with up to $500 for funeral cost, gave a memorial box that has so much in it (a kit for hand/feet mold, a kit for feet/hand print, a hat, blanket, stuffy, and memory book, resources information, a d usually other thing that differed that moms would make crochet hearts, beaded matching bracelets, awareness bracelets, ect). The group, I became the lead admin for, make personalized graphic for each baby for their birthday and Angelversary. It has been very healing for me. The lady that started the foundation has stepped down but myself and a couple others are doing all we can to keep it going. We don't help with funerals now but we still do the memorial boxes, connect people to other organizations that can help them, and I still ru. The Facebook support group and i still offer the personalized graphics for each baby's birthday and Angelversary.

I run a support group on Facebook. It helps me to feel like I'm giving back and to feel like my son's life mattered a made a difference. I do what I do for him I kinda feel like it's how I parent him.

The movie "Return to Zero" came out after my loss. It helped me to not feel alone. There was another project I found out about through people here called the Sacred Project. I hot to be a part of that. It gives a since of community, belonging and oddly I think that's important to realize it is common and we are not social pariah.